A Refresher

More often than not, you get labelled - care-free, reserved, garrulous, expressive, quiet, simpleton, mercurial, shrewd, cunning, the list can go on. Of course, the latter two labels are those that are on your back and you spend many years being totally unaware of it. What got me thinking today was about those that you are aware of. The more you are aware of, rather, longer that you are aware of it, unconsciously, you find yourself living up to it. At least I became conscious of this today. My wife always upbraids me for talking very little, showing little interest in affairs of people - who is doing what, who is not doing what, what gets who excited....... Worse, I'm always a disinterested listener,my disinterest being obvious, even when the talk is about ourselves or things that she is passionate about. And that isn't all. A natural corollary is - I'm totally self -absorbed, responding only when there's any mention of my wrongdoing. You would've guessed it, I'm a bad listener. I'd like to believe I'm that only at home, particularly to the dear wife. That may well be just a wish, it cannot be that I'm all ears out of home, but stone deaf at home. I should concede my claim to be a good listener can have validity only if listening comprises nodding, 'hmmmm's, 'Haan, Haan's, 'Yes', You're right's at every pause and staring at the horizon as if in deep thought.  Having painfully realized that these alone do not make me a good listener, I just stay me, the disappointed wife is not yet reconciled to that me.

That isn't the point that set me thinking today. It was my meeting with a gentleman I was meeting only for the second time. What was to be a discussion planned for an hour at most about a transaction stretched to nearly three hours. Obviously the planned discussion transaction couldn't stretch that long, after all, it was a commercial transaction, neither I nor he are diplomats or bureaucrats. When I said bye to him & left, I felt refreshed, rather lighter. No, it wasn't  a transaction concluded to mutual satisfaction. As I thought about it, there were just two reasons.

One, a point my visitor had mentioned in our previous meeting - ' whatever happens, will happen, it is the common consciousness that is making it happen, you are just a medium through whom it will happen. Once  you realise this, you become the observer, not player. Well,. that zipped through between the ears. Only thought then was, oh, this is another dose of philosophy, a quote from Bhagavatgeeta will follow, may be, even Zen Buddhism, if not Rumi. That wasn't to be. His elaboration on the same point had meandered through a listener that now you know I am.

That was three months ago. Since then, several things have happened with me bringing me to a decision point that I'd resisted strongly for a couple of years. That the mass between the ears wasn't such a great conductor of sound as to let the whole thing pass through was a revelation to me today. The evidence is here after all, I can recall, if not exactly, but in sum. Not just that, a little of it had been absorbed.

But no, I don't dare share this with the wife, it would invariably look like a boast. God knows, boast is hardly the action I should undertake, particularly with the dear wife. 

An Issue of Dharma in Modern Times

A question that arose recently in a discussion was left unanswered to everyone’s satisfaction and left me thinking.

History and mythology is replete with instances of individuals putting their individual call above the personal responsibility to family and dependents – Prince Gautama deserted his wife and infant son to search for meaning of life and became the Buddha, well, that may well be a wrong analogy to start with, we just don’t know if taking care of wife and children was a responsibility of a prince three millennia earlier, quite possibly not. We haven’t read anywhere of Christopher Columbus’s wife complaining of his irresponsibility in running away from home chasing distant lands  and glory leaving her to fend for the home & kids. She may well have been happier to have her marital home all to herself to lord over than have an irascible man around all the time who would any way lord over her. It appears to be a 20^th century phenomenon – it is not enough for the man to fill the larder, as they say and ensure a roof over the head these days.  Rather, the scope of the man’s responsibility has somewhat expanded – a man is expected to provide for both material and emotional security & comfort to the family. 

A man who doesn’t is irresponsible. Then, a man, or a woman for that matter, may have his/ her own calling beyond the routine of running the family. Many a times, this call is so irresistible that mundane matters like meeting the family’s needs are either ignored or simply not fulfilled. Now, that isn’t a unique or special situation. Every adult goes about juggling her/ his responsibilities and obligations towards her/ his career/ family/ business/ public service or may be a higher calling, like the Buddha to be, had. And everyone manages in individual ways. In a middle class home, the man bringing in enough money to pay for the grocery, rent, EMIs, bills and such other expenses , more or less, gets away with full freedom to use his mind-space & money on whatever is his calling. A woman, on the other hand has had changing roles. Taking care of the home & children covered almost full responsibility. But no more, in this generation, the woman is expected to contribute to the family’s finances as well. In what may be called the below-middle classes, such has been the responsibility thrust on the woman all along.

Now, is not fulfilling this responsibility an act of Adharma in the modern sense ? It is a fairly open & shut case, isn’t it ? Is it as simple for a woman, not taking care  of the home & children, too  ? What if this shortcoming is due to other responsibility of bringing home some money too ? Is it acceptable given that she is taking additional responsibilities  that, in earlier generations, was not hers ?

Another turn of this question seems a little more complicated. Take the case of a man who dreams of becoming a tycoon, sets up a business, struggles through with it, in the process, falls short of providing adequately for the family. While a corporatized business or a smart businessman would ensure personal safety net for the entrepreneur in tough times, the question becomes critical for the  non-corporatized and the not-so - smart businessmen. Obviously, being not- so  - smart cannot an excuse for irresponsibility. But in a practical situation, an entrepreneur may have to prioritise between meeting professional/ business commitments and personal/ family requirements. Put simply, the challenge a small time entrepreneur may face is, given the Bank balance, which do you pay – the employee wages or home loan EMI ? Power bill at the factory or grocery bill at home ? Long - pending supplier payment or children’s school fees ? Host the annual photo-shoot  at Sun City for bevy of curvy models or pay the salaries of employees due for more than six months ?Which of these choices  mean dereliction of duty ?
It is simpler to an unattached bystander when s/ he reads of the issue that a company faces to decide between continuing to host gorgeous models at Sun City for the Annual photo-shoot for the famed calender and pay the salaries of employees waiting for months together.  

I have heard many a men say, ‘commitment is a commitment, if I give a word to pay, come what may, I will have to pay it, if it means selling wife’s jewelry or a family property, so be it. The jewelry can always be replaced, another property can be purchased in good times, but an unmet commitment means a loss of reputation and once my reputation is lost, everything is lost’. Brave words, certainly evocative, many an Indian cinema hero has mouthed something to this effect ever so frequently with a weeping but encouraging wife alongside, her jewelry in hand to be pawned.

The society celebrates those who break out of the routine of mundane existence, aspire for and achieve greatness, wealth & influence. It is invariably true that the path to that stage would be through considerable personal sacrifices, even compromises –ignoring the family, considerable difficulties , be they emotional or material. And these are faced not by that individual alone, but the family as well. Rather, the family would have suffered more as the individual’s dream & passion would have overshadowed all the difficulties. Now for every success, surely, there are numerous failures. There are also numerous failures preceding a success.

We do get to know of the pain & difficulties that the individual and people live through and not the least part of our respect and applause is for that , but only of those which have been successful. Spare a thought those numerous individuals and families who suffer through and but give up at some point to be left only with heaps of, more of that suffering, be it debt, penury, illness, displacement or worse. It can only be the way we ‘tut tut’ when we read news items like  of a family taking their own lives to escape business losses in the morning paper.

Considering it a fair supposition that the individual  chasing a dream beyond the routine does not completely fulfil, in time, all his/ her responsibilities to the family, it should apply to all such individuals, be the few successes or the numerous failures. Does the eventual success or realisation of the dream relieve the individual of the Adharma s/ he committed through her/ his path ? It appears so, I’m yet to come across a case of any success story undermined by the difficult path to that success. To the families, the success in the end makes up for the difficult journey to it. That this advantage is not available to the rest of individuals who fall amongst the failures, is what is all the difference between & success and being answerable to the consequences of failure.

It is another thing that many a person would not start out at all has s/he fully known what it means to try beyond the normal. There is no lack of advise available for free on the difficulties. Hearing of difficulties is surely not the same as going through those difficulties. Whenever I hear a person s/he is ready for all/ any difficulty, I find myself musing ‘Trust me, you don’t what you are saying !’. But that is not to be said, difficulty is to be experienced, not to be told about as much as a success is to be.

Thinking through these got me just one possible answer. Explaining the dream to the family and involving them might help deflect some of the Adharma. But that is only passing the buck, isn’t it ?